fuck mother nature

YEAH so how awesome is it that tomorrow I had plans with a boy that involves a bed, a penis, and a vagina…and I happen to start my period LITERALLY just now, as I am typing this horror-stricken sentence?!

This boy we speak of, whom I will refer to as DS. DS was born into a wealthy family, a family with 3 kids, him being the middle child. He went to my middle school for all three years and high school for about a year, until he transferred to a boarding school in a completely different state 4 hours away. We both are currently on spring break, which explains how we are able to plan to chill tomorrow.

I was utterly and completely in love with DS all throughout middle school, for I thought he was the cutest (in a dorky way) and the nicest boy I had ever met. But when we got to high school, we completely lost contact bc a) he stopped talking to me (probably because he heard from other people how I was basically in love with him) and b) he started boarding school 2nd year of high school.

We continued this “break” until last year, one very special day of my junior year (11th grade for y’all folks who have different school systems) DS randomly added me on snapchat and sent me a snap saying “Hey ___, we haven’t talked in awhile!” oh hello 😉 😉

And ever since that day, we have been snapping literally everyday (not to brag, but we are indeed each other’s #1 bff’s lmfao). We hooked up several times thus far, whenever he would be home for his monthly breaks from the rich-kids-institution. And tomorrow was supposed to be THE DAY for the big 3-lettered word, s.e.x.

*Disclaimer* I’m not even looking for a relationship at the moment! I start college at the end of this upcoming summer, and who the fuck wants to carry a bag of burden on your shoulders as you are entering a whole new chapter of your life that will have 6x as many guys, or should I say MEN.

If there is one thing you take away from reading this post…it should be the fact that you don’t need to be in a relationship to have fun and to experiment. If there is a boy/girl (or even more than one) you are physically attracted to, but emotionally you are EH, then as long as it’s been mutually discussed and agreed, y’all do whatever y’all wanna do behind closed doors.

Go have fun.

Just stay safe.

And just pray to God that you won’t be as unlucky as me and that Mother Nature won’t fuck you up xo

Regards,

ES

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jay now

So in the last post, I mentioned how I hesitantly agreed that Jay and I should stay friends. And how that was basically one of the worst decisions I have ever made. Ever.

No, it wasn’t the fact that I had a hard time getting over him… I got over him pretty quickly, for I am a pretty resilient gal! It was just the fact that…I was SUPER over him.

Until a few weeks after we declared our “everlasting friendship”, Jay and I were fine, maybe even a little more than fine. We went to the gym together, had lunch together at times, and had (maybe too many) friendly conversations via text/facetime. For this short amount of time, it felt as if we really were just good friends. But after a few weeks of this seemingly perfect friendship, he went overboard.

He drunk messaged/called me often, which he KNEW I hated from when we were dating. He continued to call me the pet names he called me when we were dating, the stupid little things like “bae” or “baby”. For fuck’s sake, didn’t YOU break up with ME because YOU didn’t want to be with ME anymore?!

I couldn’t take it any longer, thus I literally told him that I wasn’t his “bae” or “baby” and that he should probably just stop fucking calling me that. Well shit, he did not take that well, for he acted like a little bitch ever since my little remark (details not really worth mentioning).

This was the start of me distancing myself from Jay utterly and completely. He texted me good morning everyday still; I ignored them all. He double, triple, quadruple texted me, thinking that maybe the reason I wasn’t replying was because I didn’t receive the first 87384 texts he left me. He called me several times a day, wondering where the hell I was (newsflash, I just did not enjoy your presence anymore!) He snapchatted me snap after snap; he just would not get the hint.

At times when I got even a day’s worth of “break” from his consistent notifications, I both silently and expressively celebrated, thinking maybe he finalllly got the hint! …….and thennnn of course my phone dings!

“I don’t think of you as my friend anymore Jay.”

“I don’t want to stay friends anymore.”

“I think I am much happier when you give me some space, Jay.”

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I told him something on the lines of those^…yet he still would not leave me alone. I just did not understand, and neither did my friends. They were all just simply baffled, for they knew how initially, I was just devastated one, and now, he was one desperate fucker. By this time, I not only despised him, but I was very disgusted and creeped out by him.

Yeah sure, it’s possible that he WAS over me and that all he really wanted from me was to remain friends. And yeah sure, maybe I was a bitchy motherfucker. But frankly, I think if Jay had really really cared about me, he would have had the courtesy to respect my needs. Yeah sure, he WANTED to be friends with me. But I NEEDED him out of my life.

Not only was he too attached (and kinda creepy TBH), but another reason I just could not handle him anymore was the fact that yes…I’ve moved on to other guys. I started dating/hooking up with other guys maybe a few weeks after our breakup, and I would literally CRINGE whenever I would be with them and then see Jay’s name pop up on my phone. I obviously did not want the new guys I was interested in to think I still had feelings or a thing with my ex.

I needed some God damn space. My new boys and I needed some God damn space.

I wanted to move on but he just would not let me.

So I simply cut him out of my life. I deleted his contact from my phone. I blocked him on snapchat. I deleted all my Instagram photos of him (even the ones from before our romantic relationship). I don’t know why it took me the amount if time it took, but I did it! And I can honestly say… I am truly happy. I was never this happy during my relationship with Jay, to be completely honest.

And good news! It has been almost a month of complete and utter silence from Jay. No snaps (obviously, because I blocked him), no texts, no calls, no FaceTime requests.

This is how Jay and my relationship should have ended in the first place. We had no fucking time to remain friends. This was the way it should have ended, not the awkward friendship that pretended and ignored the fact that we used to bone every chance we had lol.

Now, Jay is out of my life.

I should probably eradicate his Facebook information from my memory now.

Regards,

ES

jay then

In my previous post, I mentioned my ex boyfriend whom I would refer to as “Jay”.

I haven’t done much for him in the past few months, considering the fact that I simply am annoyed by his appearance now. BUT, this is something I’m (sorta) doing for him I guess. DEDICATING this post for him xo

So technically, our relationship began when I was in 10th grade and he was in 11th grade. He had recently moved to my high school, but we had known each other for a year or two earlier from church. Everyone at school (and church) predicted we would end up together (rather, most people even assumed we were dating from that early on).

Initially, I didn’t really like him like that. I didn’t find him attractive. I had no feelings for him; I merely thought of him as a friend and brother who had helped me out with my previous relationship problems.

However, as time went by, I developed feelings for him. And as I was feeling this way, I SO knew how he felt about me too. It was pretty damn obvious that he was interested in me. And as I post more blogs, you will soon understand how much of a straightforward person I am, how I’m one who takes no bullshit, and how utterly and completely impatient I am with everything and anything. THUS, after a couple of weeks of lending him some opportunities of confessing his feelings, I straight up asked him whether he had feelings for me or not, and *SPOILER* he inevitably confessed, after being necessarily confronted.

We started dating a few weeks after that (my junior year and his senior year), and I thought I was completely in love with him. Whether I was crying or laughing, I just felt like whatever Jay was doing to/with me was the right thing. He was my first for almost everything (other than first kiss/boyfriend).

  1. First boy I introduced to my family as my boyfriend
  2. Lost my virginity to him
  3. Had my first Chipotle burrito with him
  4. First prom
  5. First person I’ve snuck out//lied for
  6. First person I got high with
  7. Probably tons of other things I forgot about

Sure, at that time I MUST have felt as if I was in love. For God’s sake, he bought me CANDY!!! and treated me not too badly!!!

However now (and once we broke up), I realize(d) how this relationship was actually poisoning me and causing me to create a void, rather than filling it.

I am a huge, HUGE family gal. If you look at my Instagram, most of my photos are of my family and from family vacations. I love my family more than anything; Love my dad, my sister, and brother. And long time ago, I made a silent promise to myself saying that I wanted to find a loving relationship not only with the boyfriend, BUT ALSO with the boyfriend’s family. I loved the thought of going on vacation with a boyfriend’s family, going to the beach or going on road trips.

However, I broke that promise I made to myself when I started dating Jay. Jay’s family…was completely different from mine. They were distant from one another, and not only did they seem to not like each other…but they were not friendly with me either. His parents didn’t seem to like me (although I’m fucking amicable as fuck, they were just weird people, dude). His younger sister didn’t seem to like me (although it was a well-known fact that she herself is/was not liked by many people at our school lol). I was never really invited to his house…LITERALLY NEVER. It was always my house, with my family.

During this relationship, I lacked the feeling of “love”. I wanted to be adored by Jay’s mother (before I got to see what type of person she was, that is) and I wanted to be really good friends with his sister (again, before I saw how annoying and weird she actually was).

Jay could have given me everything – flowers, chocolate, sour patch kids watermelons… But he did not give me what I wanted the most – a second family.

Late in my junior year, I had an extreme pregnancy scare that got so bad I cried basically everyday before school, during school, and after school for the fear of a) my parents finding out b) not being able to afford/receive abortion c) having to rip apart my vagina for a fucking child I would not love having. This went on for WEEKS and maybe even for MONTHS…that by that time this craze had become an obsession to me. Nothing would assure me. I checked the internet probably 10x a day, rereading the posts on yahoo answers, TRYING to reassure myself that I was not pregnant. But that did not help. And STUPID AS THIS MAY SOUND, even taking 2 pregnancy tests did not reassure me.

I blamed Jay a lot, and I got angry with him because instead of trying to help me out and supporting me and understanding me, he got angry with ME. He called me dumb and yelled at me for thinking this superfluous thing, when ALL I really needed from him was some support.

It was bad enough that I was ‘sexually’ active (for my parents would OBVIOUSLY not be too happy about that, as Christian parents), but to be PREGNANT as a teenager and with a bastard child? *Spoiler* I was not pregnant. Apparently you can trick your body into thinking you’re pregnant, causing your body to create pregnancy symptoms.

(IF YOU NEED SOME REASSURANCE OR YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND ASK AWAY! I AM HERE TO HELP! xo)

Long story short, I quickly forgave him because I was *so* in “love” with Jay.

I gotta give him props though. He was very active and supportive when my mom left. He was my go-to, and he made sure to make me feel safe and not abandoned…

…until it was time for him to leave for college.

It was probably a few weeks before he had to leave for college, and this was when I felt as if he was distancing himself away from me. And of course, because of this, I tried even HARDER to bring him closer, stupidly. Literally, as I was in the middle of TRYING SO HARD, one day at church when somebody asked me “Oh! How are you and Jay dealing with this whole college transition?” his sister overheard near us and was like “WHAT…I didn’t know you guys were dating [still]?!” and so I confronted him about it that day.

He was very vague and told me not to worry about it, and that we are perfect perfect perfect!! YET, the next day he told me to meet him at a park nearby, where he broke my heart, as he broke up with me saying “I’m sorry…but I told my family that I broke up with you months ago, for they wanted me to clear out our relationship before I left for college”

Pathetically, I cried a lot.

But even more pathetically, he called me an hour after and cried a lot.

After our “break up”, we still hung out lol. But as “friends” who would kiss and have sex and jfhsfjdhfuhe we technically did not break up. It was bad. It was a bad friends with benefits//old lover situation and I felt fishy about it. I was lying to my dad, he was lying to his family, I was lying to myself.

It would have been healthier for everyone if we had just cut things off, but oh well, this is why REFLECTING is good, amirite!!

Yeah so we ended up “getting back together” while keeping it from our families. Which really really REALLY made me feel iffy and wrong ethically. I hated myself for it. I hated him for it. I hated his family for “not being ok with him dating”.

Soon, he did leave for college. We were still together, and I did visit him often. But in order to visit him for the weekends, I a) spent a shit load of money on train ticket b) lied to my dad saying I was sleeping over a friend’s house or something c) basically felt obligated to have sex with him

By this time, I was emotionally deprived and upset and depressed. I hated lying to my dad, but I also wanted to keep my “boyfriend”. I hated spending all my money for train tickets, but I also didn’t want my college-broke “boyfriend” to feel obligated to pay for everything.

TBH, thinking back, Jay was not considerate of me or my feelings at all. He knew that me sneaking out to be with him in college would have not settled well with me, that I only did it for him. But did he care…no… It was always ME who visited him. He NEVER visited me, he NEVER came home randomly on a train to see me. NOT. ONCE. The only times he would be visiting me is when he would already be home for break or for visiting his family or SOMETHING on the lines of that. It was complete bullshit. And I don’t know how I was okay with that in the first place, thinking back. *Whew, it’s okay, it’s okay, BREATHE. This is why reflecting is good*

TBH, everything that happened after that and before the current time is a complete blur. But yeah, we broke up again. And his excuse was “my parents” again. And this was when I was completely awakened…I realized that it wasn’t his parents who wanted him to break up with me. It was him. Because they didn’t even know we were “back together”, for they thought we broke up literally months before lol. He was just a pussy who was too scared to dump someone who’s been abandoned by her mother, went through depressive states, and had a huge pregnancy scare all in one year:) What a bitch:)

Again, I took it not well, pathetically. But this time, I was more aggressive with my words, rather than my feelings.

Long story short (ok not really, this was long af), we broke up. BUT he essentially begged me to stay friends with him. And I was kinda iffy about it, but I agreed to it because he was indeed someone who’s kinda been through most things with me, and I hate to admit it, but he was very kind to me most of the times. He gave me very good advice and other than the few (critical) complaints I have of him, most of the times, he was a pretty good emotionally involved “boyfriend”. Which is why I thought it would be a waste to just throw something like that away.

*Spoiler*: I was wrong

Tune in for my next blog: “jay now”

Regards,

ES

new year, new blog

Ok, so the phrase “new year, new blog” is kind of misleading, for I should have really created this on January 1 of the new year. However, we can’t all be perfect, and I certainly simply did not have the time to create a blog.

TBH, this was completely out of the blue – me creating a blog, that is.

Here’s the story:

I have this ex boyfriend, let’s refer to him as “Jay”. We dated for a little more than a year, and we’ve been broken up for about three months now. I literally s2g I’m not a crazy ex girlfriend or anything, and I’m literally completely over him and stuff (I will probably rant about him later on in other posts, no worries).

HOWEVER, just because I am over him does not mean I’m not curious as to how he is doing or who his next victims will be, right! Hehe, so I still had his Facebook user and password memorized from MONTHS ago when he essentially gave them to me for a particular reason that is irrelevant right now. And shamelessly, once in awhile I end up going on his account for any updates or whatnot.

I don’t even know if that is legal. But pls, if it isn’t, do not report me xo

Anyways, a group chat (consisted of his former high school friends) popped up, and of course I knew all of them, for I’m currently attending the high school they’ve graduated from last year. And in the chat, one of his pals was sharing her blog and seemed very happy to have created it.

I looked into her freshly made blog, and idk. I wasn’t a fan of the way she wrote and didn’t really see a point in some of her claims, but I did appreciate her genuinity(?) and wanted to try it for myself.

In conclusion, I would like to thank my not-so-friendly ex’s pal for giving me the inspiro to create this new book of my life and my imminent failures trailing behind me 😉

Regards,

ES