jay then

In my previous post, I mentioned my ex boyfriend whom I would refer to as “Jay”.

I haven’t done much for him in the past few months, considering the fact that I simply am annoyed by his appearance now. BUT, this is something I’m (sorta) doing for him I guess. DEDICATING this post for him xo

So technically, our relationship began when I was in 10th grade and he was in 11th grade. He had recently moved to my high school, but we had known each other for a year or two earlier from church. Everyone at school (and church) predicted we would end up together (rather, most people even assumed we were dating from that early on).

Initially, I didn’t really like him like that. I didn’t find him attractive. I had no feelings for him; I merely thought of him as a friend and brother who had helped me out with my previous relationship problems.

However, as time went by, I developed feelings for him. And as I was feeling this way, I SO knew how he felt about me too. It was pretty damn obvious that he was interested in me. And as I post more blogs, you will soon understand how much of a straightforward person I am, how I’m one who takes no bullshit, and how utterly and completely impatient I am with everything and anything. THUS, after a couple of weeks of lending him some opportunities of confessing his feelings, I straight up asked him whether he had feelings for me or not, and *SPOILER* he inevitably confessed, after being necessarily confronted.

We started dating a few weeks after that (my junior year and his senior year), and I thought I was completely in love with him. Whether I was crying or laughing, I just felt like whatever Jay was doing to/with me was the right thing. He was my first for almost everything (other than first kiss/boyfriend).

  1. First boy I introduced to my family as my boyfriend
  2. Lost my virginity to him
  3. Had my first Chipotle burrito with him
  4. First prom
  5. First person I’ve snuck out//lied for
  6. First person I got high with
  7. Probably tons of other things I forgot about

Sure, at that time I MUST have felt as if I was in love. For God’s sake, he bought me CANDY!!! and treated me not too badly!!!

However now (and once we broke up), I realize(d) how this relationship was actually poisoning me and causing me to create a void, rather than filling it.

I am a huge, HUGE family gal. If you look at my Instagram, most of my photos are of my family and from family vacations. I love my family more than anything; Love my dad, my sister, and brother. And long time ago, I made a silent promise to myself saying that I wanted to find a loving relationship not only with the boyfriend, BUT ALSO with the boyfriend’s family. I loved the thought of going on vacation with a boyfriend’s family, going to the beach or going on road trips.

However, I broke that promise I made to myself when I started dating Jay. Jay’s family…was completely different from mine. They were distant from one another, and not only did they seem to not like each other…but they were not friendly with me either. His parents didn’t seem to like me (although I’m fucking amicable as fuck, they were just weird people, dude). His younger sister didn’t seem to like me (although it was a well-known fact that she herself is/was not liked by many people at our school lol). I was never really invited to his house…LITERALLY NEVER. It was always my house, with my family.

During this relationship, I lacked the feeling of “love”. I wanted to be adored by Jay’s mother (before I got to see what type of person she was, that is) and I wanted to be really good friends with his sister (again, before I saw how annoying and weird she actually was).

Jay could have given me everything – flowers, chocolate, sour patch kids watermelons… But he did not give me what I wanted the most – a second family.

Late in my junior year, I had an extreme pregnancy scare that got so bad I cried basically everyday before school, during school, and after school for the fear of a) my parents finding out b) not being able to afford/receive abortion c) having to rip apart my vagina for a fucking child I would not love having. This went on for WEEKS and maybe even for MONTHS…that by that time this craze had become an obsession to me. Nothing would assure me. I checked the internet probably 10x a day, rereading the posts on yahoo answers, TRYING to reassure myself that I was not pregnant. But that did not help. And STUPID AS THIS MAY SOUND, even taking 2 pregnancy tests did not reassure me.

I blamed Jay a lot, and I got angry with him because instead of trying to help me out and supporting me and understanding me, he got angry with ME. He called me dumb and yelled at me for thinking this superfluous thing, when ALL I really needed from him was some support.

It was bad enough that I was ‘sexually’ active (for my parents would OBVIOUSLY not be too happy about that, as Christian parents), but to be PREGNANT as a teenager and with a bastard child? *Spoiler* I was not pregnant. Apparently you can trick your body into thinking you’re pregnant, causing your body to create pregnancy symptoms.

(IF YOU NEED SOME REASSURANCE OR YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND ASK AWAY! I AM HERE TO HELP! xo)

Long story short, I quickly forgave him because I was *so* in “love” with Jay.

I gotta give him props though. He was very active and supportive when my mom left. He was my go-to, and he made sure to make me feel safe and not abandoned…

…until it was time for him to leave for college.

It was probably a few weeks before he had to leave for college, and this was when I felt as if he was distancing himself away from me. And of course, because of this, I tried even HARDER to bring him closer, stupidly. Literally, as I was in the middle of TRYING SO HARD, one day at church when somebody asked me “Oh! How are you and Jay dealing with this whole college transition?” his sister overheard near us and was like “WHAT…I didn’t know you guys were dating [still]?!” and so I confronted him about it that day.

He was very vague and told me not to worry about it, and that we are perfect perfect perfect!! YET, the next day he told me to meet him at a park nearby, where he broke my heart, as he broke up with me saying “I’m sorry…but I told my family that I broke up with you months ago, for they wanted me to clear out our relationship before I left for college”

Pathetically, I cried a lot.

But even more pathetically, he called me an hour after and cried a lot.

After our “break up”, we still hung out lol. But as “friends” who would kiss and have sex and jfhsfjdhfuhe we technically did not break up. It was bad. It was a bad friends with benefits//old lover situation and I felt fishy about it. I was lying to my dad, he was lying to his family, I was lying to myself.

It would have been healthier for everyone if we had just cut things off, but oh well, this is why REFLECTING is good, amirite!!

Yeah so we ended up “getting back together” while keeping it from our families. Which really really REALLY made me feel iffy and wrong ethically. I hated myself for it. I hated him for it. I hated his family for “not being ok with him dating”.

Soon, he did leave for college. We were still together, and I did visit him often. But in order to visit him for the weekends, I a) spent a shit load of money on train ticket b) lied to my dad saying I was sleeping over a friend’s house or something c) basically felt obligated to have sex with him

By this time, I was emotionally deprived and upset and depressed. I hated lying to my dad, but I also wanted to keep my “boyfriend”. I hated spending all my money for train tickets, but I also didn’t want my college-broke “boyfriend” to feel obligated to pay for everything.

TBH, thinking back, Jay was not considerate of me or my feelings at all. He knew that me sneaking out to be with him in college would have not settled well with me, that I only did it for him. But did he care…no… It was always ME who visited him. He NEVER visited me, he NEVER came home randomly on a train to see me. NOT. ONCE. The only times he would be visiting me is when he would already be home for break or for visiting his family or SOMETHING on the lines of that. It was complete bullshit. And I don’t know how I was okay with that in the first place, thinking back. *Whew, it’s okay, it’s okay, BREATHE. This is why reflecting is good*

TBH, everything that happened after that and before the current time is a complete blur. But yeah, we broke up again. And his excuse was “my parents” again. And this was when I was completely awakened…I realized that it wasn’t his parents who wanted him to break up with me. It was him. Because they didn’t even know we were “back together”, for they thought we broke up literally months before lol. He was just a pussy who was too scared to dump someone who’s been abandoned by her mother, went through depressive states, and had a huge pregnancy scare all in one year:) What a bitch:)

Again, I took it not well, pathetically. But this time, I was more aggressive with my words, rather than my feelings.

Long story short (ok not really, this was long af), we broke up. BUT he essentially begged me to stay friends with him. And I was kinda iffy about it, but I agreed to it because he was indeed someone who’s kinda been through most things with me, and I hate to admit it, but he was very kind to me most of the times. He gave me very good advice and other than the few (critical) complaints I have of him, most of the times, he was a pretty good emotionally involved “boyfriend”. Which is why I thought it would be a waste to just throw something like that away.

*Spoiler*: I was wrong

Tune in for my next blog: “jay now”

Regards,

ES

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